Control

Posted on May 2, 2011 by sac

The concept of control is not my friend.  In fact, we have been at odds for a while now.  In my 20’s we had a huge battle when the anxiety that flowed through my being bubbled over into my everyday existence.  Married and happy, I feared not being able to control the bad things that were surely to come my way, because “why would I deserve this happy story?”

After battling back from that phase, the wave of motherhood pushed me under again in my 30’s.  Here are these precious little beings that my husband and I are responsible for, and I can’t control if they break an arm, have a disorder or even decide when they stop pooping their pants.  When it comes to my children, I now try hard to keep the mantra in my head, “they are here to pass through you, they are not yours to possess.”  Sometimes, it works.  We still have the teenage years to go though, so that mantra may need to be permanently written on my hand for recollection.

Today, I am continually reminded that the only things we have control over is our action, reaction, and our words.  Seem like a lot?  Ask those affected by disasters, disease, and random acts of violence and the answer will be no.  Giving up control is allowing yourself to recognize that the world is not fair, that bad things happen to good people.  As the world seems to be getting more chaotic, prayer is not only a conversation that I need, it is sometimes an hourly deference to a power greater than myself, which is required to quiet the fear and anger that control brings into my life.  In those first few moments of surrender, there is peace.  Control is a persistent foe, however.  It can rage back within hours or even minutes.  It is indeed my life battle and therefore, my life lesson.

What is yours?

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Example of Evidence

Posted on April 26, 2011 by sac

Last Sunday my pastor talked about historical evidence for Christ living on earth, dying on a cross and the large amount of people who saw him after the tomb was found empty.  The people who saw these miracles began Christianity. They knew these things to be true and were willing to follow at all costs.    It made me think about modern-day evidence.  What evidence do we have now that keeps someone like me seeking a relationship with something that modern science scoffs as a joke?  Most like me would say that the feeling of comfort and seeing changed lives is something that can’t be quantified.  It is the mystery that can be felt but not proven.   I know though, that there are instances in my life, more examples that I can put on this post, that blow my mind of evidence that He lives.  My favorite, mind-blowing example though, happened when I was twelve.

My step dad has been a musician all of his life.  He has been ministering in song for 30 years now and touched many hearts with his sincere conversation with Christ.  But before that, he had a period of running away from the light…and he ran hard.  So, the first part of my life was chaotic, but when I turned 11 my family started going to church and we all accepted Christ.   The church my parents chose was Church of God, in the Pentecostal Denomination and whew, we are talking some strict and outside of the “Baptist box” ways of teaching.  I’m not saying I would choose that church for myself today, but it gave me many gifts….so I’m thankful.

One day, I was sitting in my room and had a passing thought about one of my dad’s friends.  He had a way of really showing love to people and gone from honkey tonk musician to a real leader in the church.  I pondered for about two seconds about what that must be like, admired the change in him, wished I had that quality, and went back to my business…which was probably learning the words to the latest Cool and the Gang song.

A week or so later, we went to a revival and the guest preacher was one with the spiritual gift of prophecy.  Stay with me here, because the Pentecostal church believes that we all still can use any of the spiritual gifts mentioned in the bible, and prophecy is one such gift.  I have never seen a service like this before or since, but this is part of the fabric of my story.  Each night after preaching, the preacher (whom I never met before and haven’t seen since) would call people down to the front and tell them what God had placed on his heart.  I just prayed HARD that he would not call me.  Remember, I was twelve…..I could not imagine drawing such attention to myself, and was quite sure he wasn’t going to give me the answers to any upcoming math tests…so, no thanks, I just wanted to disappear in my seat.  You know what happens though, right?  Of course you do.

He calls me down front.  My heart was beating out of my chest, and still does today when I think about what happens next.   He says, “You told God the other day you want to be a leader.”  What?  “You told God you wanted to be a leader, is that true? “  Ummm, uuuhhhhh, ooohhh.   I suddenly remembered my thought in my bedroom.  What?  It was just a quick thought.   This cannot be happening.  “Yes, it’s true.”   He prayed for me then, but please don’t ask what he said, because I could still only hear my heart beat in my ear.   When my mom asked me later about it, I did what a lot of twelve-year olds would do…..deny, deny, deny.

But I knew.  I have thought about that so many times throughout the years.  Mostly I think about how I have failed in that task I asked for.  I have not become a leader in the way I thought I could have when I first started this walk.  I struggle with wondering if even I am being a good enough leader for my own children.   But the other take away from that day though, is that I was given the gift of seeing firsthand how my passing thought was served right back to me.   This was not a long-standing prayer but a fleeting thought.   There are so many prayers that God has answered for me, some faster than others….but none as powerful with evidence that He hears our every conversation with him.  Even when I fail to live up to my end of the bargain, He is still listening.   I will always be thankful for that gift, and I will always trust that my prayers are not wasted.  Not one.  Not one single breath.  Not one passing thought.  Not one.

What is your evidence?

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For the Love of Hockey

Posted on April 22, 2011 by sac

Red is a good color, no?  It’s deep, vibrant, and exciting.  It is a great color for a sports team…unless your looking at said team’s bottom line.  You don’t have to look far in our business world to see that we value profit over pretty much everything else.  But when the business world leaks over into city image, local economy, love of sports, children’s fantasies……profit, or loss there of, can be painful.   We are all aware that the Arizona Coyotes may be heading back up to the land of all things freezing, flat and French. Awareness though, can often be found at the beginning of a sad road, plastered with  self-reflection and regret.

Our family has not attended as many hockey games as we could have this season because life gets so busy, and that is a shame.  It is a real shame considering my kiddos were genuinely excited and interested in watching the games this week, especially considering the games both lasted over 3 hours and had a sad outcome.  One of my best friends has a 3-year-old son that absolutely loves hockey because of the exposure to the Coyotes.  Oliver is about to start ice skating lessons so he can play hockey for real, and that may not be a big deal if you live in Wisconsin, but if you’re Asian living in the desert…..that is nothing short of impressive.

So, as the “powers that be” debate and plan….I. for one, hope that more than a little consideration is placed on the community and all that comes with that.  This community NEEDS the revenue, but it also needs a variety of sports offered, activities with cultural diversity, passion that comes from rooting for the “little team that could” and most of all, perseverance to stay with something that seemed like such a wonderful idea during an economical boom time.  A hockey team in Arizona was a great dream and with a growing economy, it will be again.  For now, we have to hang onto hope that the current owners give some more time to cultivate this team location and ignore the red ink, or Matthew Hulsizer steps up to the plate. So many of us will feel an ample amount of sadness to let go of the dream…..especially when it was just starting to get so good.

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Monkeying Around

Posted on April 18, 2011 by sac

Baby Monkey Captured and Photoshopped

Whew!  I’m pooped.  Two days of learning new stuff and many more to come trying to remember what I’ve learned.  Photography is one of those things that the more you learn, the more stupid you feel.  The good news is that if you keep getting good shots by skill, or in my case largely by accident, you have no choice but to continue to learn because you want to top or recreate the magic of your best picture to date.    This monkey is not a great shot, but while at the Zoo I try to stay in manual mode on my camera and make all the setting adjustments myself.  So, this is as good as it gets when trying to remember all of the settings.  I shot through a kid smudged plexiglass wall so there was some reflection to get rid of in Photoshop, as well as some adjustment made to saturation and contrast on the monkey.

I’ve always loved traveling and enjoyed bringing back memories of our trips.  But now, it’s getting to a whole new level as I consider one day going on trips JUST to take pictures.  Regardless of where the hobby grows, it puts a smile on my face while allowing some artistic expression….kind of like writing a blog.   This middle age thing is turning out to be full of fun prospects….who knew?

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Gratitude

Posted on April 11, 2011 by sac

There are 683,806 hours in an average 78 year life.    Sounds like a big number until you start subtracting hours of sleep and those doing the mundane, unavoidable chores.  Let’s not forget to subtract the hours spent watching “quality” TV.   I wonder of the hours that are left, how many are likely spent in the present, connected to a spirit of gratitude and love?  We….I….want so desperately to daily be in that spot (you know the one) where I am looking across the table at my loved ones, I am listening to my friends share their deepest fears, I am watching my children learn to tackle life, I am still with nature, I am slow dancing with my husband………where I feel present, connected and loved.  It’s magic when you realize that these moments are the ones of real treasure.  At these times, gratitude comes easy.

Alternatively, I am watching some friends go through their own journey, some of it painful, sad or confusing.  Life happens, and I know that our walk will be at times so turbulent, that we will want to lie on the bathroom floor and cry out for relief of it all.  No matter what we wish, in the collective hours of our life, we cannot escape pain.  During some girlfriend time last week, occasionally the conversation turned heavy as we touched on real life hardships. Yet, as I looked around the table, I felt thankful for the ones walking this journey together, and I know they felt the same.  The richness of life has the ability to be mixed in with the muddy.   Gratitude in hardship may not be as easy, but perhaps it’s when it is the most necessary.

My take away is this; as beings of love, we can choose to remain open at all costs, remembering to be grateful for the good.  Gratitude can’t take away our pain, but it can make it bearable.  At the height of our hardships, the blessings are still there around us….it is the AWARENESS of the blessings that can make the difference in our experience.  Gratitude is the awareness of the love surrounding us, captured, and given back.  Love In. Healing. Love Out.  I like that.

Dedicated to T….the pres of the fan club and friend 😉

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The Book

Posted on April 9, 2011 by sac

Hubby and I debate the death of the book quite frequently.  I send him articles to read when I stumble across ones that predict the fate of the book to be the same as that of a dinosaur.  We don’t necessarily disagree on the eventual, at least partial extinction, but we do quibble over the timeline and depth of said extinction.   He needs to be up on such things because he works for a book and information distributing company.  Luckily, the company is investing in numerous strategies for the digital market,  just as the entire industry is trying to do.  The innovative will survive and thrive.   I believe his company will be one of those that thrives.  But still, I can’t help ribbing him by telling him he is working for the equivalent of RCA Records. Sometimes it is just fun to see him squirm.

Alright, my confession is that (I know he wears a smug smile as he reads this because he already knows) books are one of my favorite treasures.  In fact, I just spent a rainy Saturday morning moving all of my favorite or “need to read” books from all over the house into my office bookshelf….and it made me so happy.  It is warming to see all of that potential on one little shelf in a place I can reach out and easily touch.  There are so many of us that love the feel and experience that a book can give, can it really be yanked from us for good?  Let’s face it, there were not this many devotees longing to keep the cassette player or the wall phone.  But as much as we love the experience, we cannot deny that technology is gaining speed….and yes there are a few e-readers floating around my house as well.   I know that my children don’t love books as much as I do, and I cannot help but ponder if my grandchildren may wonder what books are.  I fear that one day I’ll be the one marching them out to the garage, showing them my box of extinct treasures that I couldn’t bear to depart with, knowing that this was a debate I didn’t really want to win.   Sigh.

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Growth

Posted on April 7, 2011 by sac

“All growth is a leap in the dark, a spontaneous unpremeditated act without the benefit of experience.” – Henry Miller.

This is the quote on my desk presently.  Thank you for my birthday gift, Nicole….it keeps giving.

This is a rose in my yard.  Getting great shots (and wishing I knew how I did it) or watching friends master the camera, help inspire me to reach.  I just signed up for a weekend photography/Photoshop workshop – yikes!  I’m a little nervous, but I’m also excited to learn more and grow my hobby.  Growth is indeed the gift that we give to ourselves…..that never stops giving back.

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Fear

Posted on April 5, 2011 by sac

I’ve been through times in my life when fear was the dominator.  There were times when anxiety wrapped its dark vines throughout my body and dared me to break free.  That was my path then.  After some hard work, I recognize my old foe and I manage to deal with anxiety quickly if it pays visit.  Lately though, I have had to face another fear…. Myself.  I know I can’t be the only one that recognizes that dark piece of themselves, yet we rarely speak about it.  I’m going to be honest.  I’m going to put it out on the table right now.  The dark side of myself is scary.

It is selfish. It is full of ego. It is jealous. It thinks cruel thoughts. It is vindictive. It is desirous of pain in others.  At times, it is willing to cause massive destruction.  Yet, it…is….me.  This side is not new of course, it’s been here all along.  I know the mark I want to hit.  I know who I want to be.  Most days, I am that person.   But lately, the vile has bubbled up long enough for me to catch a glimpse and it really scares me.  I think we all have this side of hungry flesh that wants the freedom to run wild.  But if we are “solid” people, we fight against that side.  We push it down and strive to put the energy of our work toward the good.  It’s when life serves us pain that perhaps the dark side gets stronger as it justifies its residence within us.  Not many of us are thinking dastardly thoughts on a beautifully sunny day of regular routine.  But if our family friend was murdered?  We are diagnosed with a terrible disease?  We are in a cycle of self hate?  We are heart-broken?  It is then, when we are broken, that we open ourselves up to view all our soul’s contaminates.  My friend, when you catch a glimpse of the not so pretty parts….IT….IS….SCARY.

As a mother, I have observed and believe that we are born with this struggle.  As someone in a midlife shake down, I am keenly aware that I must be vigilant to stay the course and fight for good.  Pouring love, wisdom, hope, and compassion into my life; trusting in God and surrendering to Him isn’t just a choice.  This is a battle and these are my weapons.  I do not want to lose.  I cannot lose.  My prayer everyday…..please God, please don’t let the good in me lose.

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I Heart Donald Miller

Posted on April 1, 2011 by sac

Not a surprise to my old bible study friends, I heart Donald Miller.  I fell in love with his writing when I first read Blue Like Jazz, and since then I read his entire collection.  I must also confess, that while visiting a friend in Portland, I even went to check out the church he attends and writes about in his books.  Pa-the-tic…I know.  Even worse…I even considered driving down to the freeway to cheer on his bike riding group as they rolled through Arizona a couple of years ago.  Uggh.  Why such behavior from someone approaching an age that should very well know how to act more dignified?  I think it’s because his writing has the ability to connect with me where I stand.   I love when you read a passage in a book and connect with something so much that you have to close your eyes while the words flow through you and resonate with your heart.  I’ve had many ‘close your eyes’ moments in all of Donald’s books. With Blue, I was in a place where I was waiting to be perfect so I could reconnect with God.  Donald’s musings on “religion” in contrast with everyday examples of Jesus’s love, allowed me to accept that maybe God wants to meet us where we are, imperfections and all.

I planned on sharing a top 10 Donald quotes post but frankly, he requires more space than that….just like with my simple pleasures in life, he too will be inserted into this space, in just the right time.  In looking over the highlights of his work, however, there was a quote that didn’t stand out the first time around.  I’ll share it now, because like before, Donald’s writing meets me where I stand (remember surrender and death to self?) ….and I remain thankful to those who tap into their gifts and use them to encourage others.  🙂

Donald writes this passage into a play about a couple that decides to commit to love:

“I will give you this, my love, and I will not bargain or barter any longer. I will love you, as sure as He has loved me. I will discover what I can discover and though you remain a mystery, save God’s own knowledge, what I disclose of you I will keep in the warmest chamber of my heart, the very chamber where God has stowed Himself in me. And I will do this to my death, and to death it may bring me.
I will love you like God, because of God, mighted by the power of God. I will stop expecting your love, demanding you love, trading for your love, gaming for your love. I will simply love. I am giving myself to you, and tomorrow I will do it again. I suppose the clock itself will wear thin its time before I am ended at this altar of dying and dying again.
God risked Himself on me. I will risk myself on you. And together, we will learn to love, and perhaps then, and only then, understand this gravity that drew Him, unto us.”

Amen, Donald, Amen.

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Broken From Within

Posted on March 31, 2011 by sac

“Don’t fool yourself and think that Spirit is somewhere else, in other-worldly experiences, in great rushes or ecstatic visions.  Life’s deepest experience is the joy that fills our hearts when we love and give to others.  Ask anyone in the middle of battling a catastrophic illness, or survey those on the acute trauma ward, and they will tell you that they live to give a halting hug or to speak a word of grace to another.”  – Rabbi Yehudah Fine

Rabbi Fine walked the streets of New York reaching out to homeless teens and has worked from coast to coast, helping struggling families fight to find the right path.  His greatest calling, however, came after a horrible car accident where he was left with a broken vertebrae and fractured pelvis.  You would think that a guy that was acclaimed with giving back to the community would have the whole mind/body/spirit thing figured out.  But, it was during this dark time that he was required to face and grow from his own brokenness.

Here is a link about the Rabbi:  http://www.aish.com/jw/s/accident_act_god.html.  He reminds me today that victory does not always come from being on top.  There are angels that walk among us that have found victory, and thus a deeper meaning of life, from within.  Thankful for their willingness to share…….

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