I’ve been through times in my life when fear was the dominator. There were times when anxiety wrapped its dark vines throughout my body and dared me to break free. That was my path then. After some hard work, I recognize my old foe and I manage to deal with anxiety quickly if it pays visit. Lately though, I have had to face another fear…. Myself. I know I can’t be the only one that recognizes that dark piece of themselves, yet we rarely speak about it. I’m going to be honest. I’m going to put it out on the table right now. The dark side of myself is scary.
It is selfish. It is full of ego. It is jealous. It thinks cruel thoughts. It is vindictive. It is desirous of pain in others. At times, it is willing to cause massive destruction. Yet, it…is….me. This side is not new of course, it’s been here all along. I know the mark I want to hit. I know who I want to be. Most days, I am that person. But lately, the vile has bubbled up long enough for me to catch a glimpse and it really scares me. I think we all have this side of hungry flesh that wants the freedom to run wild. But if we are “solid” people, we fight against that side. We push it down and strive to put the energy of our work toward the good. It’s when life serves us pain that perhaps the dark side gets stronger as it justifies its residence within us. Not many of us are thinking dastardly thoughts on a beautifully sunny day of regular routine. But if our family friend was murdered? We are diagnosed with a terrible disease? We are in a cycle of self hate? We are heart-broken? It is then, when we are broken, that we open ourselves up to view all our soul’s contaminates. My friend, when you catch a glimpse of the not so pretty parts….IT….IS….SCARY.
As a mother, I have observed and believe that we are born with this struggle. As someone in a midlife shake down, I am keenly aware that I must be vigilant to stay the course and fight for good. Pouring love, wisdom, hope, and compassion into my life; trusting in God and surrendering to Him isn’t just a choice. This is a battle and these are my weapons. I do not want to lose. I cannot lose. My prayer everyday…..please God, please don’t let the good in me lose.