It has baffled me. This past year, I watched some of my dearest friends go through tough times and I wondered, why do some of us face our greatest fears and are forced to work through them, often in public view? I would ponder what our fears are, how people deal with them differently, who survives them with grace, who crawls to the finish line, who checks out….and on and on. Want to know what I figured out, other than recognizing that I keep my mind thinking to prevent my heart from feeling? I figured out that us controlling folk tend to attract each other. We prop each other up and quote fantastic verses about surrender and turning it all over to God…and then we feel our way to the next dark crack in the floor of a pitch black room and begin filling up the holes with our desire to influence, impress, please….and control.
The last time I made my own goals? Not really ever. My goals were dependent where that friend was going to school, on his job, in conjunction with the location of the college campus, the distance of the downtown commute, or how much time my kids could sacrifice away from my wonderful mothering skills. I knew me, but I didn’t really know me. Sacrificing of oneself in order to build a reputation of solid, is not really that admirable, you know? Deciding that you shall control your destiny and right your childhood is all grand and noble until you find yourself in a pile of ruin looking around thinking, “Wait a second..I tried harder than the next person, what the hell happened?” Exactly. I tried harder than the next person. I dug in, I sacrificed, I quietly resented, and when it all fell apart, I blogged some honest feelings so I could be sure to back-end a solid reputation and wait for the accolades to come. None of this was of conscious mind, of course, but all of it completely on a sliding scale of…if I can’t control one thing…maybe I can help this other aspect of my life until it makes me feel better about the thing that is so obviously beyond my control.
Yes, I know I am not alone in this, and I don’t care. This four-year journey ends today. I do not want to look back one more second at what happened last year or the year before that, or even yesterday. I want to be done reflecting on the past, mind reading those in my present, and wishing for specific outcomes in my future. This is what it looks like at the end of being broken open. My feet have touched the bottom. What does it look like from here forward? I do not have a clue….and while I appreciate very much everyone’s support and kindness along this journey, I do not know if I can write about the pathway up from here. I want my best self to be present…for me, my children and new relationships from here forward. I have proven I can be honest, proven I can be real, proven I can change…to most in my world and few beyond that. Big deal. What I am trying learn this moment is that I have to learn how to be present and to accept the grace and will of God….and the only one I have to prove it to is myself. And so, love and tremendous gratitude to you all, always.